Time...does it really heal or just prolong the pain?

I don't know if I have truly let it go. No...I know I haven't. 

A month after I stopped communication with D, we finally met up for coffee. I had prepared myself to finally have closure, but it didn't turn out the way I had planned. Seeing him re-evoked a lot of my old feelings. I realize I'm not over him. I still loved him. But at the same time I don't know what to do about my feelings. He told me that seeing me made him feel things again as well. He didn't contact me because I asked him not to and he was only trying to respect my wishes. I wished he had contacted me instead. I wish he made the effort to fix things. But he didn't. He thought what he did was right. 

After that we continued to contact each other although not often. I guess I still had hope because he told me he still cared. But he just needs his "me" time. I still wanted him back, even though I know I shouldn't. Why did I still love him even though he's hurt me so much? He did admit that when he told me he didn't love me, it was a lie. That was a terrible lie. I was struggling. I tried to move on. Part of me desperately want to recapture what we had, but part of me can't forgive him for putting me through all this pain. In October, I asked him again whether he'd like to try again. I gave him time to think about it. I was afraid of the answer. In the end, he said it wouldn't work. He was already trying to move on. And going backwards wasn't part of the plan. And being apart made him cherish his own time and his ability to work on himself. He was not in a state to be in a relationship. I questioned whether it was a relationship or just simply a relationship with me. I should have just let him go. But my heart does really stupid things. I stuck around, trying to be friends. 

We have this incredible chemistry. I couldn't resist him and he didn't want to resist me. We became something that wasn't healthy for my healing. I ignored it and tried not to address it. I just wanted to go with the flow and enjoy the advantages I was getting. I really enjoyed spending time with him. I love talking to him. Telling him about my problems and my plans. He was my best friend for two and a half years. I can't get those old feelings to simply disappear. I tried to be cool. I tried to be casual. But I know deep down I still loved him. But I also know he doesn't feel the same anymore. His feelings have changed. He still cares about me, but not the way I want from him. He doesn't love me like that anymore. He enjoys my company and our conversations, but I am in the friend-zone. I could pretend I don't love him, I could pretend I am cool with us being friends. But I can't. I can't lie to myself and force my own feelings aside to be by his side. All those romantic movies about fighting for the one you love, it's all lies. Sometimes there is nothing left to fight for. I can wait around and waste my time. But there are no guarantees he'll ever feel the same way about me. I tried to end our friendship. It wasn't easy. I cried again. But I think I need to be over him. Unless I can feel no love for him, I can't be his friend. He doesn't need me. I don't need him. We just want to be in each other's life. He wants me in his because he likes me as a person and wants to be my friend. I want him in mine because I still loved him. But I can't pretend anymore. I need more time to let my wounds heal. I don't want to be pathetic and keep coming back for more attention. How much rejection can a girl take before she realizes it's really over? I don't want to be that person. I'm better than that. I deserve more than that. I know something good will come along and when it does I'll recognize it because it won't hurt. I won't need to hide who I am. I won't feel ashamed to be who I am. But mainly because he won't make me the emotional mess I was when I was with D. D is a great guy, but he's right. We aren't right for each other. He'll never be the man I want and I'll never be the woman he wants. I'll take all of this as a life lesson. Learn from it and move on. This time, it's really over. Finish. Done. Good bye.

This is a long one - almost two and a half years long

I hope this will be therapeutic for my healing process...

D and I met on NYE in 2009. I was still getting over R so I was being cautious. He was single and so was I. We officially met at count down. We were all dancing and he spilled a drink on me. I went to wipe it up and he asked if I needed him but offering to lick it up. I told him he was bold and he said he only offered and I did not need to take him up on it. Left me a bit speechless, what nerve this guy had. He kept coming back to me all night and asked me for my number. He was very bold and very forward wanting to go watch a movie with me. I was lonely cause I missed R and we shared a New Years kiss. He was trying so hard to convince me to stay but I rejected it. I went home at the end of the night. 

For three weeks I heard nothing from him. I had to restore my phone so I lost his number. One day I get a text message asking me how I was doing and reminding me that we met at New Years. I forgot his name. But he told me and asked if I was still up for our movie date. I figured sure why not, a free movie, I will take it. Our first date was at Tinseltown to watch Slumdog Millionaire. It was a great movie. He was much shyer this time around - maybe the alcohol gave him that boost of confidence during nye. Anyhow at the end of the movie, we still wanted to hang out so we went for sushi. We talked a lot. It was quite easy to talk to him and he was very funny. He also had a lot of outrageous things to say. He was smart and I liked hearing his opinions even though they differ from mine so much. After  sushi, we went back to my place. We just parked on the side of the road and talked. Actually we spent hours making out. I went to bed at 4am-ish. That was a weeknight. That weekend he called me up last minute to see if I wanted to join him and his friends a lounge nearby me. I said no at first but recanted and decided to meet him there. When we got him, he left me for a bit so I acquainted myself with his friends. I knew some people there so I went to dance. He came looking for me and stuck with me the whole night. We kissed on the dance floor - it was like there was no one else in the room. For weeks we kept talking on the phone and we made time to see each other. 

Our defining moment came the day I went to see him before his boys night out and had a bit of a minor accident with an escalator that required stitches. It was the first time I met his parents. It was also the first time I stayed over. That we weekend we decided to be exclusive. At this point, it might be a bit of rush because it was not too long ago that R and I had broken up. But I felt like we meshed so well, we had great chemistry and we can talk and debate for hours. I just had so much fun with him. I wanted to capture our moment and not let it end. I thought this was an opportunity I needed to capture. Shortly after we started dating, I went on some trips. We had some arguments. Because we are both so stubborn and have strong opinions, often we forget to communicate well. And we are both very secretive people so revealing our feelings and thoughts uncensored is very difficult. 

For the next two years and four months we became a couple. We had our occasional disagreements, we fought, we argued and we made up. We had fun together, and then reach a comfortable point in our relationship. But there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with him. I honestly believed he was the one I can see myself spending the rest of our lives together. I wanted to see and talk to him every day. I miss him every time he is not around. I think about him before making decisions. When I have news I always wanted to tell him first. He was essentially the most important person in my life. He was my first in a lot of things. He was the first guy to win my toy at the fair, he was the first guy to go on a plane ride together, he was the first person to take me up to Whistler when it was snowing, we had a lot of experiences together that I have always wanted. He did it for me because I wanted it. He made a big difference in my life. I recall writing in my journal that although many aspects of life was not going according to plan, but having him in my life was worth it. He filled a void in my life. With him by my side I felt I could do anything or have him help me. He has helped me grow tremendously. He taught me the value of planning for my future financially. He was a great example for that and propelled me to start organizing my finances better. He encouraged me when I was low to achieve the things I needed to do. I became a better person because of him. He really enriched my life. I only wished I had helped him in his life half of what he did for me. 

Needless to say when we had that conversation it came as a big surprise to me. I knew we were in a transitional stage because we wanted to achieve certain goals in our lives and it just seems so slow to get there. We were able to spend less time together due to our different schedules and certain things were sacrificed. We were not having the adventures and fun as we were having before due to a lot of restraints - time, obligations, finances, etc. We were not the happiest, our relationship were strained. We argued constantly but I thought it was normal because we were both stressed. I believed if after we finally reached our goals together things would get better. This was only a low point but it will get better. But he had different ideas. The deterioration of our relationship affected him a lot more than I initially thought. To the point that doubts started to seep in. For a month he was feeling strained but rather than talking it out he wanted wait for the feelings to go away but it did not. By the time he broke it to me I was in complete and utter shock that he could just give up without really addressing any solutions to solve it. In his mind he was set that nothing could work. I think a large part may be due to the fact our communication is not the best. For some reason he just cannot see me in his future anymore. I am no longer visible in his future plans. I became a burden to him. It is all very sad because he did not give me a chance to try to fix it. His mind was made up and nothing I could say changed his mind. No concessions I could give pleased him. He felt the problem was him and not me so nothing I can do can fix it. But it makes me so disappointed that he lost his trust in us. 

I tried to be patient to give him time and space but he could not tell me how much time or space he needed. But at the same time he was not addressing the issue. He was avoiding it. His actions confused me. Physically he cannot let me go but his words were trying to set me free - asking me not to wait for him and asking me to move on. But he is still around. In one intoxicating moment I asked if he loved me anymore. I asked why he is giving me hope but still asking me to move on. Maybe he did not love me anymore. He told if that would make me feel better then yes he does not love me anymore. The pain I felt and still feel from those words cannot be described with words. That was indeed the biggest betrayal to me. Just two months ago he loved me - just two months ago he told me that together we can make it and were planning on moving in together. Just four months ago he asked me to move in together - just three months ago he threw me a wonderful surprise birthday party. It boggles my mind that he can say he does not love me anymore. When did it stop. Maybe he lied but that is the worst kind of lie. I cried that night like I have never cried before. I cried in front of K and S and I never cry in front me people like that. His words cut me to pieces. My heart was already broken but that - that shattered my heart into a million pieces. My respect, my trust in him is all but gone. The one person I never expected to give up on me did. For that I can never forgive him. It has been over a week now since that fateful night. I have not seen or heard from him since. He might have tried to contact me but I declined him. If he really cared and wanted, he should have contacted me by now. But he does not and he did not. Therefore I have decided although our memories were great and I still care about him - he has caused me too much pain. I am now taking back my heart and not going to let him hurt me anymore. I have decided to take away his power to hurt me. I will try to forget how he makes me feel. I will try to squash the feelings he provokes in me - the longing and wanting. I will imagine him with other girls so I can be prepare for him to have moved on. I will live my life for me now. I truly loved him once but I can long love him anymore. Loving him was the most painful and exhilarating thing I have ever done. I need my time to heal right now. 

This is the end of our road. 

Dated 7/30/08 3:53am

It's almost 4:00am and I just can't fall asleep. A lot of things are on my mind right now. So many thoughts. Let me write it all down. First, I am quite sad for L, M and their baby A. T told me the other day that the doctors have given up and she has stopped or soon will stop treatment. I seriously believed somehow she would be able to survive it. That's the optimist in me. It's just so sad. Life is so fragile. All these treatments prolonging the day until it's all over. It's really a torture. I don't know how she does it. It really takes a strong person. I think at some  point it become fighting for those you love rather than for yourself. It has to be very painful. Next, E told me today that her mom got laid off. 27 years and so close to almost being over. Yet the economy couldn't sustain it. Finding a job isn't hard, but finding a good fit is definitely hard. E has so much family issues. I feel bad for her. I wish there is something I can do. So helpless. The summer course. Am I a failure? I've already taken the sales class two times. I can't fail another time. It can't be over. The practicum class. God, so many stupid choices. I was so not prepared. What a waste of my time and money. Really should've taken the summer off. Maybe it's karma? Nah...I've been with R for 4 and a half months, now. On Aug 15, it is 5 months and the Sept, six months. Crazy how time flew. We've had our ups and owns. Yet at every twist and turn I keep trying harder. I've spent a lot of time and investment in sustaining this relationship. Lately, I feel under-appreciated. I'm still confused that eventually R will come to realize that we are indeed bf/gf. Maybe then he'll let me meet his friends and family. The last month, I felt like I've been in such a bubble. The time we had together was so good. We spent almost everyday together. He even bought me a toothbrush to use at his place since I stay over so often. It's almost gotten to that comfortable stage, which I hate. I love that he always come to pick me up, at work and at school too. It's so awesome. It got to a point where I almost feel like I can rely on him. Yet I'm still cautious about that. I still don't tell him a lot of things about me. I have a lot of secrets. He tells me a lot of stuff. Personal and mundane. It's so great. The other night I had a dream he gave me a set of keys. That freaked me out. And as I refused, he then told me actually he can't give it to me. But it's already out there. That's a lot of commitment. I know I can handle it but I'm so scared that he actually doesn't mean it. The pattern her appears to be that whenever I become increasing caring of the guy, the less secure I feel. This is because when I care, I lose control. This allows him greater power to hurt me with little things. And it's really freaking me out. One minute I want to be with him and the next I just want to run away. I keep swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Can't quite make up my mind. We certainly have a unique relationship which we're both reluctant to talk about. He doesn't want to because it freaks him out and the word brings back bad memories. I don't mention it because I don't want to freak him out. Although we don't say, I think deep down we know we are in a relationship and it's not just friendship. But I still need the words. Actions are great but I need word as the proof. We do so much for each other yet i feel like I'm still missing something. But my hands are tied. I can't pursue it because of J. Until that thing is done, I can't publicly pursue anything. And at times it drives me crazy. Makes me sleepless. So many things are beyond my power. It's so exhausting. Oh yeah, I'm upset that I'm leaving in two weeks for three weeks, yet R seems so casual about it. I know he cares, but he doesn't let me in on how he feels. Sure he's happy for me that I can go on a vacation. But I want him to miss me because I know I'll miss him a lot. Another thing that freaks me out is when he said he loved me. I know he was drunk both times. But does that mean he really does or doesn't? I don't know. I kind of want to be invited to the party this weekend at his place. Why won't he invite me? Doesn't he want to spend more time with me? Or is he tired of me already. I have so much anxiety in me. Grrr..

*R really was just a jerk. This entry should've been a sign. Sometimes when you're so into something it's hard to see the real picture. Thank goodness he's no longer in my life. My life is now completed with D. He's the love of my life and we don't have any problems that I had with R. We actually communicate and I'm not afraid to talk to him. 

No more lies...